Wednesday, February 27, 2008

homo sapiens and i

again... emotional matters:

maybe i am just an overly sensitive person. yeah, you got me, i am a very sensitive person! i cared about details. besides, i do mind and kept it in my tiny little heart when it concerns people close to me. if you are just my hi-bye friends, what should i bother so much. i do not have many friends, but only a few good friends (or so i thought). well, maybe i guess wrong. again, just like the other things in my silly typical life.

i do not expect something fancy from friends. just sincerity, trust, and honesty. but, i myself do not easily trust someone. it is just so hard to find a trusty person that when the trust is betrayed or i felt it is betrayed, it hurts so much. damn! (contradictory to my thinking, i always behave the opposite. discipline problems, most likely). well, why not. people have their alter egos. just wisely manage it.

the point is, life is like a wheel. you have your up and you have your down. sometime it sucks, but... yeah, it is always bad. just kidding, really. i am so upset now that i cannot think of anything good to cheer myself up. other than spilling out all my disappointments here.

it is just that i had finally confirmed that a good friend of mine had been lying to me all this time. just let this person to be known as X.

is it such a big deal where you came from and who you were before, compared to where and who you are now. to be exact, does me being from m-ed school rather than from c-ed school like you is a very big different that made you lied to me. i am well aware of my inability to read all those c characters, but why must you hide it from me? it is like you thought i do not worth it. well, you better listen here carefully. i am sure worth of it, but it is you who does not worth of me. so, (just get the hell out of my sights, and all my other senses. get lost and go die somewhere else) would have been what i would really like to shout out to you. but, i am trying to be rational here. or maybe coward to others.

okay, the main questions here is; a friend ask me this before:
"will you prefer to find a life partner who is m-ed like you or not?"
i answered:
"it does not matter, as long as we have respect for and understand each other."

but, the meaning behind this question is bothering me now since i recently just finally understood it. i am not slow or what, i just do not want to admit the truth of this tricky question when it was asked back then. maybe i was hoping for miracle.

no matter how or why, black can never turn into white or otherwise, it can only turned into grey by the best method. i used to be fine with this grey things, but certain people just make it feel like black, grey and white are so very much different from each other. grey will never be good enough when neither black nor white are willing to give in. and it is not okay if only black surrender, or otherwise. both side need to compromise. that is like asking too much since not many are truly able to do so. tell me, show me, is there a single person willing to step on their own pride and admit to other people points? the older we get, the bigger is our bubble of egos.

good values are just so hard to be practiced in real life that it sometimes so tiring and clueless especially when feeling like it is done all alone. it always take two hands to clap. get it?